Dwight’s diet is off to a rocky start…

I gave him one packet of food.

He wants another packet.

I said no.

He said yes.

I said no.

He said he will bite my feet.

I hid my feet.

He said he can wait – feet will have to come out from under the cushion sometime.

Help.

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Pizza for dinner!

So the kids wanted to be slugs and sit in the car instead of coming in to order their pizzas. Big mistake. HUGE mistake. Designating moi to order on their behalf.

Fools!

So I did.

And the look on their faces when I told them what I ordered is totally worth it. They are now sitting in the car, glaring at me as I wait in the comfort of the pizza shop.

I told them I opted for the make your own range and have ordered the following 😉

For Tilly: burnt and crispy base, garlic sauce + mayonnaise, with pineapple, olives (extra salty), extra mushrooms and lots of feta and Parmesan cheese for that delicious sweaty feet and vomit aroma.

For Mish: burnt and crispy base, scrambled eggs with pineapple and minced organ meats, smothered in pesto and garnished with chick peas and oysters.

Yum yum!

If looks could kill right now 😂😂😂

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From the Vault # 2 – Motherhood: Instructions not included

Seeing as it is Mother’s Day today, I thought it would be fitting to share a speech I had written and delivered at a Womens Expo in October 2013.

 

Motherhood: Instructions not included.

23 Oct 2013

Good morning. My name is Mrs. Matilda and Hamish’s mum…or Jasmine for short. I was invited today to share my experience as a stay at home mum.

With my youngest ready to start school next year, I have found myself reflecting on the past seven years as a stay at home mum; what I have learnt, and what is yet to come. It is a bittersweet moment for me as I’ve watched my babies grow and start school. At times testing, motherhood is a very rewarding role. You learn to parent as you go along. There will be many a long day and sleepless nights, but all will be worth it in the long run. All your preconceived notions of parenthood will change – just go with the flow.

During my time as a stay at home mum, I have learnt the following:

Despite your mother-in-law informing you after you find out you are pregnant that all her babies were over nine pounds, your obstetrician will only laugh at you when you request to have an epidural eight months in advance…Oh how he laughed…

Pregnancy and baby books are guides only. Your instincts should be listened to always. No one knows your baby better than you.

Celebrity magazines lie! Your abs will not immediately reappear after giving birth. Don’t pack midriff tops in your hospital bag. Embrace the tummy, for it is there for bub to rest on when feeding and cuddling. Enjoy your new baby and please don’t stress about losing the weight.

If your baby is breast fed, don’t stand with them near busty statues or store mannequins. Babies are very opportunistic!

When you become a mum, you will soon learn to understand the meanings of your baby’s and husband’s cries.

Your clothes make the best wipes for little grubby hands and runny noses.

Teething pain can be eased by biting mum, hard.

Sometimes going out can wait, and it is better to have a feed, nappy change and sleep instead. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

I know every word of every song by The Wiggles, and while I felt bad for Sam, I was secretly happy to see Greg return as the Yellow Wiggle.

I can now speak basic Spanish thanks to Dora the Explorer, and if I am ever in doubt, I sing out for map or backpack. Never trust Swiper the Fox. Ever.

Whilst funny at first, blueberries are not meant to be stuck up nostrils.

If it has shelves, it will be climbed.

If it is a drawer, it will be emptied.

If it makes noise and lots of it, then it is the best thing ever. If it is too quiet, whine at mum before crawling off for the pots and pans cupboard.

If something is broken then get mum to fix it. If you broke it, hide it and blame your sibling when mum finds it.

Walls are great for drawing on. When mum gets cranky just remember that everyone’s a critic and go find another crayon.

As a mum you will get to know the staff at the poisons info hotline on a first name basis. And if your toddler finds and eats six herbal kids’ cold and flu tablets, their poop will be fluorescent green for the next week.

Two words: stain remover.

If your toddler has lost their favorite toy, it will be in your handbag. If you have lost your phone, purse or car keys, they will be in the toilet.

When your toddler no longer requires nap time during the day, they handle the change better than mum!

Nudie runs after bath time are a must. For those of you wanting to have a baby, I recommend you try bathing and worming a feral cat whilst wrestling an octopus to get an understanding of what it is like to bathe and clothe a toddler.

Let your toddler dress themselves. Miss-matched socks, shoes, clashing colours and prints with scruffy hair will all make for some great photos to show on their 18th birthday.

You will never know the excitement like that of when your toddler starts using the potty. I would then also liken the nerves of going shopping with a newly potty trained toddler to that of a bomb squad trying to diffuse a bomb. Only a matter of time before an explosion.

Don’t read Roald Dahl’s The Witches to your toddler. They will begin to publicly accuse every elderly lady of being a witch!

Play-doh, dirt, cat food, shoes and foliage from the botanic gardens are all part of the toddlers essential diet.

Cereal tastes better for dinner.

An audience in the bathroom becomes normal.

“Hide and seek is the greatest game!” said no mum ever.

Mum cuddles and kisses fix everything. Stop and listen to what your children are wanting to tell you. If you listen to your children, they will listen to you.

My daughter believes cleaning gives you wrinkles “Mum you clean all the time and you have lots of wrinkles!” Thank you Tilly, I love you too.

After explaining why the boy guinea pigs need to be spayed, my daughter later informed me that when she gets married she will get the vet to spay her husband. So cute…She thinks we are going to let her get married. We’re not even going to let her date!

Little boys are fearless. When the floors are being mopped, it becomes the perfect opportunity to work on some epic parkour moves. You get bonus points if you can get mum to run across the damp tiles to catch you mid-leap.

Cars and dinosaurs take up shelf space in the fridge on hot days.

Broken collar bones heal in about six weeks. This means that in six weeks your son will be back on the trampoline trying to attempt the same somersault dismount that broke his collar bone in the first place!

Fairies are real, and to get rid of monsters under the bed, spray them with water

Patience is a virtue. Eventually you will all get out of the house…once you find your son’s favorite pair of sneakers. In saying that, you start getting everyone ready to go out hours in advance!

Because I said so! Is a legitimate answer to your child’s constant questions.

Mum’s have superior conflict resolution skills, dispensing firm but fair justice. Also known as the “time out chair”.

Thank goodness for the game Angry Birds.

Your children laughing will make you laugh.

You learn to grocery shop like a ninja – quick enough before the kids realize that they have bypassed the toy aisle.

Saturday nights are the best because it is family movie night and camping in the lounge room.

Head lice are annoying, and treating outbreaks with mayonnaise will not only kill the lice but leave you craving for a salad.

White furniture makes parents uneasy. Delicate décor makes parents neurotic!

Be proud when people compliment your child’s good manners. Imagine how proud my husband and I felt when after dinner, both our children went to take their plates to the kitchen…did I mention we were dining at a restaurant?

Seven year old daughters thrive on drama and four year old sons thrive on causing it.

My motherhood motto has become “I don’t negotiate with terrorists”.

 

And finally…Your babies don’t stay little for long. So cuddle and kiss them often. Play games and laugh. Enjoy being with them. See the world new through their eyes. It goes by so fast. During the testing moments, remind yourself that this to, shall pass. Soon you will find yourself with a child ready to start school, and you will reflect on just how much you have both grown. Every night before you go to sleep, tell them you love them and kiss them good night. Every morning wake them with a kiss and tell them you love them, and just enjoy being a mum.

Thank you for listening.

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Being a mum is…

Every time I have to give Mish his dose of antibiotics I call it Fortnite Juice. He just had another dose…

Me: Cmon buddy! Here it is, Fortnite Juice time!

Mish: Mum. Stop. Stop calling it Fortnite Juice. Call it what it really is.

Me: Fine…

He opens his mouth and I pop the spoon of peach/orange colour medicine into his mouth.

Me: It’s goblin vomit.

Mish: 🤢

From the Vault: The Tooth Fairy

Way before I started this blog, I would post my stories on my personal Facebook page via the Notes application. I have decided that I will share these earlier posts here – one a week. I hope you enjoy!

21 June 2010

Tilly

My goofy girl Tilly – trying to convince the Tooth Fairy to pay up.

Hmmm. Parenting is no easy task and you are often faced with situations which require delicate, yet informative explanations – “cause I said so” does not gel with a three year old and her inquisitive little mind. I was faced with one of those moments the other day and I think I was not too clear on things as you will soon find out…

There is a cute little kid’s show called Charlie and Lola. One of Matilda’s favourite shows, not so for Hamish as there is no monster trucks. This particular episode, Lola had a loose tooth and her big brother Charlie set about explaining the Tooth Fairy. Lola was thrilled about the tooth/money exchange that was to take place, and so was Matilda as she turned to me and proceeded to check her own teeth for gum stability. A “Mum Moment” presented itself, and so I sat on the couch next to her to explain the story. As I opened my mouth, a little light bulb went off and I ran to my room and dug about in my little box of knick knacks where I just so happen to keep my first wisdom tooth in a plastic bio-hazard bag – serious! I returned to Tilly to find her now with one hand in her mouth, the other supporting the wrist and both feet up on either side attempting to get her savings account started. I sat down again and casually waved the bag in front of her eyes. She sat up and squinted at it. “It’s a tooth…my tooth” I explained. Fascinated, her eyes never left it, her little lips had curled back in a somewhat grossed out smile.

I started to explain how the Bank of Tooth Fairy works, that for each tooth that falls out – ON IT’S OWN ACCORD, gets placed under the pillow where the TF collects it, leaving you some money. From the tooth, they make great little portable houses, and despite the GFC, business is booming for TF Home Industries. Matilda asked why I still had my wisdom tooth, and I explained that this one was just for me, and I showed her the upper left side of my mouth from where it was yanked out by the dentist. I explained to her the roots, where the blood went in and how much sits inside the gum. Matilda was fascinated, and what I misinterpreted as excitement – but she was just eager to go to the potty. So with my Mum of the Year badge stuck to the back of my head, I sauntered into the kitchen to my eaves dropping husband. I had done well, we can tick the tooth fairy talk off the list of conversations.

Later that day, Matilda approached me, little hands clasped in front of her, her sweet little smile and crazy baby hair sticking out in all directions. She snuggled up to me on the couch. “Hey mum you know your tooth?” “Hmmmm” “Well can I borrow it to put under my pillow?” “Why?” “I want to buy a rainbow ice cream, but I only have ‘Fairy Money’ (lint from Mike’s belly button) and I need real money”. “Nooooooo. No. Nope. Noo-zaaa. That is mum’s tooth, the tooth fairy can only take YOUR teeth, and sweetie you still have quite some time to go till your baby teeth are ready to jump out”. I gave her a quick hug and she wandered off and Hamish resumed smacking my face with his matchbox car.

Since then, Matilda has come to the conclusion that if she can’t sell her teeth just yet, other things would surely be worth something on the Fairy Property Market and as such I have caught my daughter attempting to sway the TF’s interest with other items. Yesterday afternoon she snuck out of the kitchen, I was hot on her heels catching her out as she placed the organic, free-range egg under her pillow. Other items have been a tub of yogurt, shredded paper, lint, a pair of underwear, Mike’s squadron patches, her brother Hamish, a cat, and a pile of cat hair – all to no avail. In desperation she has taken to asking anyone if their teeth are going to fall out because she really, REALLY needs a rainbow ice cream. I think in lieu of a baby tooth, I am going to loan her my wisdom tooth and let her get that much needed ice cream on Thursday…Job Done!

 

⚠️ Mum’s Post ⚠️

⚠️ Warning: contains gross stuff! ⚠️

I have spent the past week dealing with a sick hubby, and on Wednesday my son joined the Man-Flu club. I am functioning on very little sleep as I am busy measuring out doses of medicine, making sure they are drinking water, encouraging Mish to eat “just one more spoonful of soup”, and soothing post coughing fits.

I have spent the past week camped out on the tiny couch – giving Mike the comfy bed to rest and recover on, and Mish gets the big couch so I can keep watch over him and have the sick bucket at the ready.

Mish has now reached the coughing up gunk stage of this virus and I have got him into the habit of spitting it up in the sick bucket. Last night he was sleeping better and Mike was not coughing and gakking as much so I decided to take my chances and go back to sleeping in our bed. I brought Mish in too so I could still keep an eye on him. I was looking forward to catching a moment of sleep in a natural sleeping position and not the current position of neck bent at 90 degree angle and legs hanging over the arm of the couch.

Sleeeeeeep! Come at meeeeeee!

Mish was tucked in between Mike and I. I settled down, stretched out and began to finally relax. As I started to drift off, Mish sat up straight, his eyes still closed – he turned and slightly leaned in my direction and he…

Spat. On. Me.

He hocked up a great big ball of phlegm right on my torso. As soon as he had cleared it he laid back down as if nothing had happened. Sound asleep. At first I was in disbelief “did he… did he just spit on me? No! Seriously? He did! Oh gross kid, cmon!!!” I jumped up and looked down at my pyjama top that now had a great big spit wad stuck to it. Through some gymnastic moves and twists I was able to remove the top without getting any of the gunk in my hair or on my face. I changed my top and decided to move Mish to the side of the bed with the bucket next to him.

Through all of this Mike just laid there laughing his head off.

Back in bed I was now pinned between Mike and Mish. I didn’t get any sleep. Mish spread himself out, arms and legs akimbo. Mike used me as a wedge – to prop him in a position on his side, so he wouldn’t roll over. My neck now has a crick in it. Mish somehow managed to drool on my face through the night and Mike kept farting on my right thigh.

I am thinking of booking myself a few nights in a hotel to try and catch up on sleep. Feeling and looking like a zombie 🧟‍♀️

Little Charlie Wheeler – A girl and her potter’s wheel.

 

*Rebecca and I met back in 2000 while undertaking our military training together, and despite being posted to different locations during our service careers, to this day we still remain close. I look at her as my sister, and she is Aunty Bec to my children.*

Rebecca is the super woman behind the bespoke farmhouse ceramics business Little Charlie Wheeler Handmade. All pieces are of her own design and made by her own hands in her private studio. Little Charlie Wheeler started up following the birth of her youngest child in 2015, and was initially based in Kallista, nestled in the beautiful Dandenong Ranges, Victoria Australia. Bec and her family have since made the big sea change to a gorgeous little town called Snug in Tasmania. It was no small feat for the move, through her updates I have learned how perilous it can be to relocate a potter’s equipment – it is quite a task to move and deliver a kiln – especially when it is transported over the sea to the Apple Isle!

The kiln arrived along with all her tools and now her husband Mark has been hard at work in refurbishing a shed to become the new Little Charlie Wheeler studio. As soon as it is all set and working, Bec will be back at the potter’s wheel crafting her beautiful farmhouse ceramics, and I for one cannot wait to see her back in her studio. You only have to check out her work on the business’ website to see her undeniable talent. She has an eye and knack for creating beautiful, timeless home wares and décor that will never go out of style, and they make for beautiful family heirlooms. Each piece is hand made, and she makes her own glazes; therefore no two pieces will be the same, so if you are after a unique gift/home wares, this is perfect. Her creations have featured in the Farmer Recipes and Stories from the Land cookbook (which aims to raise funds for our drought-stricken farmers here in Australia), and the Great Vegan Meals for the Carnivorous Family cookbook, and is also featured in the My Goodness Kitchen blog. Her work has also been captured by Patrick Varney Photography.

Now I admit I love event styling. I love everything about it. I started my foray into writing by freelancing for an events company, and I absolutely loved it as it opened the Pandora’s Box for me and I spent my time dreaming up ideas for weddings and parties, following celebrity events and having fun creating the visions for you, the dear reader. Event concept/styling is something I would love to get back into.

What I love with Little Charlie Wheeler is that I look at her work and I can see it, and would LOVE to have it featuring in rustic and farmhouse weddings (which are the current wedding trends right now). Some styling ideas would be: Little Charlie Wheeler’s planters and vases filled with native plants and flowers decorating the guest tables, wedding cake/dessert tables. Candle holders on the guest tables, or marking out the wedding aisle or ceremony table that the newlyweds sit at to sign their wedding certificate. Platters to serve the food; Little Charlie Wheeler spoons, small planter pots and vases could also make for cute and unique wedding favours. Bec’s use of natural, earthy tones and hues give you pieces that can work with any style, creating an understated chic and sophisticated look to any event.

Bec is currently hard at work researching, designing and preparing for when her studio is ready to operate again. Little Charlie Wheeler will be looking at expanding the product range to incorporate linens, handmade timber products, vintage finds (Bec is the Queen of vintage shopping) and she will also be moving into prop hire for stylist projects (any wedding planners and stylists here, raise your hand!). I can see that Bec and Little Charlie Wheeler will only go from strength to strength, and I am incredibly proud of her and what she has created (and I just want to brag and give her and Little Charlie Wheeler a shout out. I love ya Sis!)

 

You can follow Little Charlie Wheeler here on Instagram and Face Book:

Website:

http://littlecharliewheeler.com.au / email: info@littlecharliewheeler.com.au

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/littlecharliewheeler/

Instagram:

https://instagram.com/littlecharliewheeler?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=4u1yfspwa8w9